Ode to a green velvet armchair pissed on by a cat (prose)

I rescued a lovely antique armchair today, abandoned in the street like a runny nosed orphan. I have been spending the last few hours lovingly disinfecting and cleaning it, in case someone died in it of the consumption or some other equally Gothic ailment. 

As soon as I set it down in what will be it’s new throne room and stood back to admire the gilded wood and green tufted velvet upholstery, the neigbour’s cat leapt up and left a potent message there.

As I painstakingly polished and oiled the wood, I imagined how perhaps a defecter from Cosa Nostra was strangled in it, after having accepted an invitation for a sumptious banquet. Perhaps he pissed and shat himself as his life slipped away from him and his eyes began to bulge out of their sockets. I hope he ate well before he died.

Whatever the colourful history of this beautiful green armchair, I can’t wait to sit in it and smoke a pipe, whilst poring over an old dusty leather bound tome, containing adventures from the high seas, inaccurate maps and sea monsters. I may even take a dram of whiskey and laudanum whilst sitting it. Ah, how Dickensian.

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About danielkenyon

I was born in England in 1977, with Irish ancestry and graduated in literature at the university of Ulster in Northern Ireland, where I took a great interest in the troubles and paramilitary activity. I have been travelling and living around Europe since 2000. I lived in Prague for one year where I worked in the adult tourist industry and walked the mean dark streets, dealing with pick pockets, Russian Mafia, Nigerian drugs gangs and Bulgarian Gypsy prostitutes. I have lived in Palermo, Italy, since 2007, where I have extensively researched Sicilian history and the Mafia. Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to the poorest and most crime ridden areas to gain inspiration. For me, the invisible or untouchable people are the most real and human of all. They feature heavily in all my writing. My latest fact based crime thriller is called The Savage Heart of Palermo. Much of the book was inspired by real people, places and events. All names have been changed to protect the guilty and myself. I myself am an ex criminal and drug user who has spent periods of time in prison, hence my interest in crime fiction and noir. I have a wealth of experience to draw from. I always write from the point of view of the criminals and the police are very marginal in my books. I find them boring. Some of my characters are like myself, 'bad boys turned good' and others are just bad to the bone. I am currently working on another crime thriller and para-paranormal noir romance about Irish Travellers and Romany Gypsies, entitled, The Bare Knuckle Fighter. I am also reviewing my memoirs from Prague, entitled The Dark Streets of Prague and hope to have them to a publishable standard before long. My real life is stranger than the fiction I write. As you will find, in The Bare Knuckle Fighter, I am interested in playing around with and hinting at the paranormal (hence para-paranormal) but never rendering it completely supernatural, as I want to leave the reader with more questions than satisfaction. Paradoxically, I am a die hard sceptic who likes the idea of the unknown. I am self employed and work as a writer, editor, journalist, translator, English teacher and general dog's body. I live each day at a time on the fringes of society. I have no idea where I will be in ten minutes time, let alone ten years. I am fluent in Italian and have translated books, including scuba diving manuals and the Universal History of Islam. One of my hobbies is reading Italian noir fiction in which crimes are rarely solved. Italians are the masters of pessimistic style crime thrillers. I hope you will be reading my work soon and that you will have strong feelings about it.
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